Day 10 - The Unseen Battles of Entrepreneurship: Overcoming the Inner Critic

Journal Day 10: Feeling like I want to give up, but continuing to go anyway

March 9th, 2024

It’s Day 10!

I'm fully committed to this plan!

Journaling every day for a year.

This is the first Saturday in a really long time where I have not had meetings I have to go to. No underlying stress from the week before and the week ahead.

In addition to writing, I’ve also been going live on TikTok by cooking. I really enjoy being able to interact with people while going live. 

I’ve also been working with an agency. Which I didn’t know existed until a few weeks ago. 

I was going live one day and an agency reached out to me asking me to join them. 

After doing some research I learned that TikTok Agencies are a legit thing. Their goal is to help you monetize your lives. These agencies are free to work with. They get paid by tiktok. 

If you didn't already know, when you go to live in Toktok and people give you gifts, you basically make ½ of a cent each gift. Then TikTok gets the other 1 ⁄ 2 in which they split that with the agency.

So it is a win-win for everyone really. I’ve learned that the benefits of joining an agency are that you get feedback on how to optimize your content and if you get put in tiktok jail then they will help you get out. 

So far going live on TikTok I’ve gained a couple hundred followers in the past 2-3 weeks. I’ve also had 30,000k impressions. Meaning that at least 30,000 people have come through my room. Even if they just stop by for a second, they still have seen my face. I mean that in itself is pretty cool. I can spend 2 hours making a TikTok video and get 200 views vs going live for 2 hours and get 13,000 views. It’s a way better use of my time. The downside is that it’s disappearing content. Which means I make it, then it goes away. 

Each style of content and platform has its pros and cons.

For now i'm focusing in on pinterest and tiktok. From time to time,I also post things to clapper, but that isn't my main focus. Clapper is the US version of TikTok. They are based out of Dallas Texas and are currently in the process of developing their platform. Of course it has it’s pros and cons as well. The quality of the videos aren’t as good. They don't have as much of an algorithm so you get served up a lot of random videos. It is not my go to for content consumption. 

So ya. Today I'm feeling a little fatigued. The thoughts of “what’s the point, I should just give up are lingering in the back of my mind. 

I'm the person who puts so much pressure on myself to be successful. That If I am not seeing success, then the “whats the point thoughts show up. 

So what keeps me going is switching the channel in my mind to. This does matter. 

James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits talks about an ice cube analogy. Where at 27 degrees f, the ice cube has not melted yet, nor at 28, 29, 30 or even 31. Some may give up at 31 degrees and think to themselves, this thing is never going to melt and just give up.

Yet, those who wait for it to heat it up to 32 degrees will see that ice cube melt. 

So right now, as i'm going through this journey. I have no clue when the ice cube is going to melt. Yet, I get to trust that it will at some point. 

I think I mentioned on day 2 that I’d need to connect with the vision and why it matters. Because that is the fuel that will keep me going. And honestly, for the last few days I've not been connected to either of those. 

And what i'm struggling with right now is the vision. Or just tying all of this to how it will make my vision come to life.

My vision for my life is to have a clean, cozy, tidy home where people come when they just need a place to relax and be fed. I see myself in my kitchen cooking up the most yummy meals for loads of people. While doing this, having deep conversations with them connects on a deep human level. 

So yea, I just feel like i'm in my head today. I'm tired. I'm thinking of all the things i have to do or that i want to do. But I am struggling with the energy to get them done. I really just want to take a nap which could help me get some additional energy.

I hate when I get like this. It sucks because I get tunnel vision and just want to escape. Maybe it's an anxiety attack, or a panic attack. These come when im home on the weekends and Im faced with all of the things I want to get done, but cant quite focus in on it. Or when the How am i going to accomplish this thoughts come in. 

It's been a prison for me for a long time. No matter how much transformational work i’ve done. I still get triggered the way I feel right now. I feel like what Im doing isn't enough. Its not good enough. I’ll never be successful. I don't know which thing to focus on because what if i picked the wrong thing. I’ve been doing all the work for the past few weeks and barely have anything to show for it. 

And as i write all of that out, I see the strong hold my inner critic has on me. Literally pulling out all the stops to get me to stop doing what I'm doing. I’ve let that inner critic keep me down for so long and to put me in a prison. The truth is I love cooking, cleaning, writing. And my inner critic loves to measure my success based on how much money I'm generating. And to date this year I've generated $75 in my business. By selling kids books online. 

And truth is i have no clue where this is going to go, I have no clue if or when the ice cube will melt.  And i'm committed to sharing my journey with you so that you know what it's really like to take the leap to start one’s own business. 

I know that everyone's journeys are different, but I know there are people out there who just want to see what it's like from the very beginning. Because we never get to see this side of things. We hear the recalled stories of people starting businesses, but the actual captriung of it day by day could be really valuable. 

I do see people who are already successful, ie making lots of money and have a lot of followers.

Hmm--a thought is coming in, What if I changed or adjusted my definition of success. Because right now its only money. I see im successful if I make a lot of money. And my worth is tied to that….

So even with my current definition of success, I see people who start a new business and how they take it from 0 to 1 m in a short period of time, but the thing is they already know what to do. So it’s not the same as someone who is starting from scratch-scratch. 

I currently don’t have many followers, 

Im afraid that Im going to pivot too quickly or stick to something too long and miss the boat some where. 

So finding that sweet spot for myself is where I'm at right now .

I suppose that is every entrepreneur ever. I just never articulated it before both of those seemingly tiny thoughts were running my brain simultaneously. But now that they are out I can see how they were causing a ton of conflict in me. 

And the truth is, that I am very intuitive and I trust myself that I will stick to things for the right amount of time. 

It’s just wild to see what it is my inner critic says to me. When i don't capture it. It sends me into a RIDICULOUS tailspin. Anxiety. Panic sets in.

But once I capture those thoughts, write them out, speak them out. Then they dont have so much power over me. Those thoughts are so sneaky. And so quiet at times. Running rampant in the back of the mind. 

Once I can see them, name them, then I can replace them. 

And just like that, I don't feel that tunnel vision any more or the intense need to sleep. And shut down.

I still feel a little off, but it’s not nearly as strong as it was. 

That dang inner critic is wild. 

That is it for now.

Much Love,

Krystal Diel