Day 31 - A vulnerable post

March 30th, 2024

Yesterday I left off with the words.

Do it all. 

And that is precisely what gets me into trouble.

I want to focus on everything and when I try to focus on everything, I end up focusing on nothing. Then the dreaded thoughts of “I am not enough, I'm not good enough,” come in. 

I’m trying so hard to be enough, to be good enough, to measure up. 

…..

Today when I woke up the thing that flooded my brain was my book I wrote called I am brave, kind and courageous. A book about setting an intention. And how an intention is like a compass for the day. When you set an intention it helps guide your steps and creates a map for your day. 

And I realize that I’m not really setting my intention daily. 

I have my vision for the world. That is actually getting more clear every day. 

The vision to impact and inspire moms to be the best version of themselves. I believe the role of a mom is one of the most important in the world. Next to being a dad. And I speak from being a mom, of course. My role in my kid’s lives is so important. They need me. They need me to be present. They need me to lead them, guide them, and love them. 

Personally speaking, I’ve spent so much of my time doing everything but that. And this is not me being hard on myself. I know that I’ve prioritized my own goals, aspirations, career, over my kids. It’s kinda hard to speak about, but it’s the truth. My 4 year old daughter at one point said to me from the back seat in her car seat “mom you didn't really want kids any way” She said that because of how I was treating her. As if she didn't matter. As if she was a nuisance. Looking back, I was in survival mode, but still, because I was in survival mode it was really affecting her.

That was a huge wake up call for me. That if I didn’t change then she’d really start to believe that she doesn't matter. And who knows how that would manifest in her life. 

How did I even get to the point where I was operating from survival mode all the time? Growing up, I so desperately wanted my mom to be there for me. And don't get me wrong, my mom was a good mom. She did everything in her power to make sure we were taken care of. She was also a single mom of 4 kids making $11 an hour. Barely enough to make ends meet, but somehow she did. 

I also see now how much she was in survival mode. She didn’t have much else to give. I so desperately wanted her companionship. I wanted her to lead me. Guide me. Teach me. Mentor me. Instead, I felt that I was left to fend for myself in this world. I felt so alone. 

These feelings of being alone and that I needed to fend for myself set me on a path of extreme independence. Not asking for help and always being in survival mode. How that shows up in my life as an adult is that I still feel like I have to do things alone. It really doesn't occur to me naturally that there are other people around who want to help me and support me. That I can ask for help. And going down another layer I expect others to “just figure it out” just like I did. 

But what if they didn't have to figure it out? What if I could actually guide and mentor them?

To be the mom I always wanted. Not just for my kids, but for others too.

To guide. To mentor. To Mother. To be the warm embrace of a mother’s hug. To be funny, spunky, Adventurous. 

I think that is also the essence of Krystal Lavender. 

Lavender =  A Warm, Calm embrace 

Krystal = spunky, clear adventurous 

I have no clue how this will show up in my business, but it’s another layer of the onion that I am uncovering. 

When people come to me, I want them to feel warmth. I want everyone I come in contact with to feel the love of a mother or even a grandmother. 

For me to look upon them with so much love in my eyes. 

For me setting and intention for today is enough.

I am enough.

I am intuitive enough to know when I’ve had enough. 

By believing that I am enough, then I am able to give and not continue to take. 

So again with an intention that I am enough.

Allows me to march towards my vision of being a mothers warm embrace. A guide, mentor, teacher for those who need it. I’m here for you. Here to give you a warm cozy place to stay and a yummy meal to eat. 

That is me. And who I am committed to being. 

How this ties into my branding or what I offer… I have no clue….

But I’ll pray about it and pray that the holy spirit reveals it to me.

Much love,

Krystal Lavender