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This one is kinda hard to read, but i’m putting it out there because the inner conflict is real.
It’s day 27 and I’m at the point where I usually give up. I’ve done 30 day challenges before where I commit to something for 30 days, then I really have no idea where to go from there and end up stopping.
On day 27, I’m in a mental place where I was a few weeks ago, where my inner critic is running rampant again.
I worry that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. Should I just go get another job and do this on the side? My goal is to reach out to people, but what if that doesn’t work and I’ve just wasted my time.
I worry that this isn’t what God wants me to do.
I feel vulnerable sharing this because I’m afraid I’ll lose people if I talk about God in all of this.
I am a Christian, and I think one of the challenges I have as a Christian is the conflict of having goals, but also making sure I’m in alignment with what is glorifying to god.
I guess the inverse is I’m walking a path that god doesn’t want me on like what if I’m chasing wealth and selfish ambitions.
It’s the inner dialogue that comes from being a christian.
Don’t plan your future
Your life should only be about Jesus and sharing the gospel, if you’re not doing that then you’re doing the wrong thing.
What if I wrote books and they are not what god wanted me to do, and now I need to start over again. But to do something that God wants me to do.
I share because the inner conflict is real. This is my inner conflict. Others may share the same conflict, and if this isn’t yours, then I’m sure you have one that is unique to you.
These thoughts became so present yesterday as I approached my go live and after wanting to read the book, Think and Grow rich. I heard that the book has themes in it that are anti godly and it kinda freaked me out a little bit because I’m like, what if I’ve been manifesting things and partnering with things that are not of God. Which made me want to run far into the other direction. So now I feel like I'm in a panic. I feel like these goals I have are not in alignment with what god wants me to do.
This is probably the worst feeling. I feel sensations in my left ear and on the left side of my stomach, and down the left side of my face and head. It’s such a strange feeling, and not one I’m really used to.
All I think I know what to do is to sleep it off, allow my mind and body to process these feelings so that I can move on…
I hate this feeling of being in conflict with myself.
I don’t think that I’d have these visions if this wasn’t who I was created to be. I've always loved reading, and drawing, and have always wanted to start my own business. So having a book business is the natural thing for me to do.
On the other hand what if I’m just picking these things because I was just coping, and I am actually meant to do other things.
There it is…
That’s the summation of the conflict going on inside of me.
Like what else would I be doing?
Getting a job? Because having a safe job is what is glorifying to god. To just to back and be a cog in a wheel. I did that for a really long time, and it was gnawing at me to step out of my comfort zone and do something wild and crazy.
A year ago, I was let go from my job and I was in scripture every day. And when I would take time off work and pray, god would tell me to jump in and practice the skills of creating a website and content.
Why else would these things keep swirling in me?
Like I think the topic of the inner critic is an important one and teaching kids how to navigate through those situations.
I’m a loving, caring and trusting leader. I care so much about people lighting up and being who they were created to be. Overcoming the limiting beliefs that are keeping them stuck. I personally know how weighed down I get at times from my thoughts. Especially when I don’t think that I can express them.
Writing down my worry bug thoughts helps me move past them and also gives me an opportunity to talk to others about what I’m thinking and feeling.
Because it’s hard to talk about these worry bug thoughts. It’s hard to ask for support sometimes.
The other thought trap I fall into is these aren’t new concepts. So many other people are already making content about this. So why should I even bother writing about this stuff because it’s not new, it’s not exciting.
The books aren’t perfect, You found some typos in your revised version so now you can’t ask people to buy them because they may get a version that is going to be printed wrong.
Ok, so how do I move past this? To be in committed action.
What am I committed to? I’m committed to creating a world where everyone is free from their inner critic thoughts and knows they can choose their thoughts.
I get to be known for helping people through their inner critic thoughts. No I’m not a psychologist, I’m just a normal person who struggles with this stuff, wanting to help others.
These are the thoughts that stop me, or try to stop me atleast.
So I’m specializing in the inner critic dialogue.
I remember one time when I was laying on the couch at our first apartment. I was feeling really depressed and anxious. I recall telling my husband Josh that I was feeling off, and he asked me, “well, how do you want to feel? That was the first time that it even occurred to me that I could change my thoughts. Or that was even an option. I thought my thoughts just happened and I was just feeling the way I was feeling.
How many times do I have to go through this…. I mean it’s been like 2 hours that I’ve been sitting here.
I mean it’s not the only thing I’ve been doing today. I did update my one page website for Teddi Kahtleen to house my coloring pages for people to download.
But today is the day I get to reach out to people and get this on their radar. I’m still in the pilot phase to see how people will respond and react to this topic, but I just get to put it out there.
I have my plan and now I get to take action.
So today’s plan is to reach out to a minimum of 20 people. This feels scary, but here goes nothing!
Wish me luck!!!
Best,
Krystal Lavender
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