Day 13 - The inner turmoil is getting to me, but I think I see a way out

Hello! If you're new around here, my name is Krystal and I've committed to journaling every day for a year. I write these raw journal entries. What is unique about my style of writing is that I don't necessary follow the rules or writing. My aim is to write as closely to how I talk. What you will also find in my journal entries is transparency. I give you front row seat to my inner dialogue. That inner critic who shows up from time to time, I show you exactly when it shows up and how I shift. My hope is that I inspire you to keep on going despite what your inner critic is telling you in the moment.

March 12, 2024

Ok, here we are almost 2 weeks into this endeavor. 

I'm awake. It’s 5:25. I'm feeling a bit annoyed at this moment. 

Annoyed that I couldn’t quite find some scripture to read.

Annoyed at the fact that the TikTok Agency I work with keeps saying “you’re not making enough diamonds, it's odd you’re not making diamonds for as many views as you get '' ok…well I'm confused. 

Asking people for diamonds is like pushing my products at someone. How can I get diamonds if I don’t actually have trust and credibility built up.

So the logic of, “you should have diamonds for as many views as you get” doesn’t make much sense to me.

I am going live today and having the agency be there so they can “figure out what is wrong.”

So yeah, this whole thing has been pretty annoying to me. 

I get caught in the middle of my thoughts.

One side says You want to be successful, so getting out there in front of people is just one way to be successful.

The other says this is too stressful, so why bother in the first place. (we all know who’s saying that).

But for real though, This is yet another moment I need to get focused on my vision and why this matters.

I have a vision for my life where I’m writing for a living and getting asked to do speaking engagements. 

So I see how writing every day supports that.

I see how cooking and talking to an audience also supports that.

I really don’t know where this is going. 

I am showing up each day, setting my ego aside and putting one foot in front of the other.

With all of this I have two things I want to work on.

Just enjoy the journey. These feelings of stress and angst are just not fun. I mean it is a lot better than working for someone, but since I’m in control of my life, I get to choose how I feel.

And to just let go of the money being my main metric for success. 

“I’m not making much money yet, therefore what I’m doing isn’t working “

“What’s the point If you’re not making money?”

“You need to be making money now”

“Just go back and get another job so you can at least start making something and work on this when you can”

These are the inner-critic thoughts that are just running rampant in my mind. If you’ve read any of my other journals, you can see that the “what’s the point,” thought is one that I'm noticing comes up A LOT!

So this is where it becomes really, really important that I choose something different. These are all old inner critic conversations that have been running the show for a long time! 

And without making a conscious effort to change them, they will continue to run rampant. And I’ll keep getting the same results that I have been getting.

This core thought pulls me into a black hole. Where I feel isolated, stuck and alone.

I don’t need to go back through and wonder where this belief comes from, because it’s there and now I get to choose differently.

Yeah, this is a deep one. The reason I know this is because I feel so much tension in my upper back on the right. 

When I feel this, I know I’m up to something. My body starts talking to me and signals to me that there is something here for me to look at or that I’m in the right place.

Damn. This is a tough one and it’s been with me for a long time.

So again, this will take a lot of conscious effort for me to shift and pick a new conversation in my head to play. 

Old: ”What’s the point?”

New: I’m here just to have fun with it, if it goes somewhere great! I’m here to enjoy this journey and to share my gifts of writing and cooking with the world. 

Me writing and cooking are ways to express myself, in hopes it inspires others to do what they love as well. 

And when I’m so caught up in the money, then I default to the “what’s the point” conversation running in my head. 

Like if I can’t make money writing and cooking then what’s the point in sharing my gifts with the world? 

I know I need to make money at some point, I trust that it will come at some point. And truth is I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point where I could leave my corporate job to do this. 

I worked so hard obtaining skills for other people. It did yield me a lot of experience and a lot of money. Alongside me, I also have a husband who is at a point in his career that also affords me to do this. 

The only pressure I have is the pressure I’m putting on myself. Frankly, I don’t need to actually make money. I could do this blog thing, just have a lot of fun with it, and never  really need to make money doing it.

But I do want to make money. I want to make money so that I can give it away. I know it sounds silly, but I love to help provide for others because so many helped provide for me along the way. 

So ya, I'm just working on reprogramming my mind so I think differently. And writing out every day is helpful because I can see the thought patterns that are present that would otherwise just keep running and playing without me consciously intervening. 

If you’re wondering what’s different about this than doing affirmations, I'll tell you my take on it.

Affirmations are positive things you say to yourself over and over, and their objective is to help you reprogram your subconscious mind. And I do believe that positive affirmations are helpful, You just need to do them a lot and often to make that reprogramming happen. 

If you think about it, there is a lot of anti-programming happening all around you with all the stuff flying at you everyday, so it takes a lot of conscious effort. 

I think of affirmations as putting on a bandaid on your elbow, but the boo-boo is actually on the finger. 

With this, I’m choosing which thoughts I want to reprogram specifically. So im treating the actual issue. 

So with all of that I get to consciously choose my new thoughts.

I’m here just to have fun with it, if it goes somewhere great! I’m here to enjoy this journey and to share my gifts of writing and cooking with the world. 

That’s it for today.

Much love,

Krystal