Day 11 - The inner critic is trying to take me out, I must persist on

Hello! If you're new around here, my name is Krystal and I've committed to journaling every day for a year. I write these raw journal entries. What is unique about my style of writing is that I don't necessary follow the rules or writing. My aim is to write as closely to how I talk. What you will also find in my journal entries is transparency. I give you front row seat to my inner dialogue. That inner critic who shows up from time to time, I show you exactly when it shows up and how I shift. My hope is that I inspire you to keep on going despite what your inner critic is telling you in the moment.

March 10th, 2024

Ok here we are at day 11.

I think the most challenging thing right now is that I'm not really seeing any “success” in really any area. 

And like I spoke about yesterday I have this fear of switching things too quickly or sticking with things too long. 

And let me tell you, I am really feeling it today.

I also have 2 big things I'm working on. The cooking show and this daily blog. 

The torment that is going on inside my head is like

You could give up on the cooking thing, but you are just going to beat yourself up over stopping now. Right now you’re not making any money off of it. And your TikTok agency is being rude. So it would  be best to just stop tiktok all together because what is the point in doing that any way. You could just go to Clapper, even though their video quality isnt as good, and do stuff there. That is probably a better idea any way because tiktok is likely to be banned in a few years any way so why spend all this time investing into that platform that is just going to go away. 

And for this blog, no one is going to read it any way! I keep telling you that no one is interested in it. You’re doing all the wrong things so you may as well say you tried and just give up and go back to a real job. 

If you don’t start making money, soon you’re going to have to go back to get a job. So you might as well give up now. 

And for your books, You can't just outright promote them, without building all the trust first, so why bother trying to promote them anyway. 

You have too many ideas and you can’t just stick to one. You give up too easily. So what makes you think that you will ever be successful? 

You have a blog, you want to cook, and you want to sell your books. 

You’re just spinning and spinning and not making any forward progress.

So yeah. That has been playing in my head on repeat for the last 24 + hours. It’s driving me crazy and making me want to shut down. Yeah, Inner critic, you’re right, I don't know exactly what I’m doing. But I'm competent enough to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve helped many companies grow and scale. This isn’t any different. I am applying all the things I've learned to this.

I just so badly want to be seeing money success in my business and right now I just don’t see the clear path. My biggest fear is that I will have spent all this time stressing and working and have nothing to show for it. 

And yet, here is what I know. If I focus on what I don't want, then that is likely what is going to show up in my space. 

So this shift here is really important.

Focus on what I DO want. Like really focus. 

I also want to point out here, that getting focused on what I want is at times an hour by hour practice. 

Our inner critics are so ridiculously relentless to get us thinking in old thought patterns. 

Everything in red above is the old thought patterns playing and running. So The amount of effort and persistence I get to have and need to have to create new thoughts takes a lot of practice. 

As you read this, You’re probably like. Girl. common! Why do you just keep falling into this trap. 

Well, I'm forgetful. 

I’m Purely focused on writing and making kids books. The books I write and the blogs I write give people of all ages hope. I write kids books to help teach kids timeless lessons that they can take with them for the rest of their lives. 

I just wish I could focus on other success metrics. Because it's the being money obsessed, and that being my only success metric in my mind that keeps tripping me up. 

I'm not making any money therefore what i'm doing isnt working

I'm not making any money therefore the product im promoting no one wants

I'm not making any money therefore i didn’t do the necessary work to see if there was a need for my product so I might as well give up and go do something that “the people want” 

Because let's face it, what I'm passionate about, no one cares.

That one I feel like stings the worst. It's the thought that what I think is valuable, no one else does or will and that I will be destined to do something that I'm not as passionate about. 

So I'm at a crossroads here.

1. Pick a product that people like, that isn't really true to me, 

2. Keep doing what I'm passionate about 

Path one is like chasing the wind to me. Always chasing what society wants. And doing things that I don't necessarily want to do. - could bring in more money, but on the other hand, doing things I don't really want to do doesn't sound fun and that I might as well go get a corporate job if that is the case. 

Path two is me just being me. I do what I want to do. And know that I'm being true to myself and with that I could light me up and give me energy. 

So yeah. This is what goes on inside my brain. I wish the inner critic and the confusion wasn't there. Confusion and shiny object syndrome are the two big tactics my inner critic uses to distract me from doing what I love to do and being who I was created to be.

Truth is, I care deeply about people living their life's purpose. And that comes with dreaming big and then learning how to navigate the inner critic that tries to keep you and me from achieving the things we desire. 

So many of us give up due to the very thoughts or similar thoughts and I'm here to show you exactly what I'm going through in hopes that it inspires you to press on through yours. 

Even with my cooking show on tiktok. It’s something that I really enjoy doing and the inner critic is there too. 

Why aren’t you getting diamonds? Your stuff sucks. If you start to ask for diamonds then you’re going to start losing your large audiences. Asking for diamonds is not going to be authentic to you. You’re just going to be building this up and have nothing to show for it. 

So you have two options. 

1. Go live and don’t ask for diamonds

2. Go live and start asking for diamonds

3. Stop going live because what’s the point 

I know I'm just putting so much pressure on myself. But it's so good to see what is going on inside my brain. When I get it out then I feel so much lighter.

I'm really proud of myself. I mean this is the 11th day I’ve written. I missed day 4 but that was because we had a full full day at that retreat I was at last week, but other than that I’ve been consistent. And that feels really good. I'm excited to see what happens for me next. 

That’s enough for now.

Much Love,

Krystal Diel